1.Football
2.Hate
The Pix:
SF +6 over Pitt. We have to start with Lili Tomlin and the Steelers. Lili's whining about the headsets going wonky during a rain and electrical storm is the whiniest most pathetic cover your ass move the Pix has seen in a while. Lili fails to cover Gronk, puts 10 defenders on the field in the Red Zone, calls for a half back option that cripples their first drive and sets up his ex Jaguar kicker to begin his choke fest all on the way to losing a game when (statistically) he had the much better team. And it's the HEADSET's fault? Oh Lili, we know your seat is hotter than a fresh f*%cked fox in a forest fire, but not only were you pantsed by the GURU thursday night, Belichick even took the time to scold you Friday morning letting the world know he's had enough of witch hunts and losers with agendas/excuses.
Carolina +3 over Houston.
Yes, the Guru putting the league and media on BLAST was as refreshing as that first vessel of deliciousness after a grueling 18 holes of golf. Sometimes the Pix and friends walk long stretches of well manicured countryside swinging sticks at small white orbs until finally, blessedly, the hard labor comes to and end and deliciousness is the reward. Hard work? INDEED! Yet the Pix endures.
Detroit +3 over Minn.
Back to the Guru......after Radiogate began in earnest last Friday there were was actually a budding media frenzy surrounding the Patriots again. As surreal as it was, it came to a magnificenlty abrupt end when after months of circumspect Guru saying not a word about you know what.....Guru went full ninja. Without raising his voice or dronining, the Guru simply said ENOUGH....and the Steelers turtled, and the league turtled, and the media turtled. And the universe breathed a sigh of relief...
GB -3.5 over Seattle.
Some west coast readers expressed dismay over the lack of Sea Hag content last week, so let's talk some green highlighter....and let us begin with Sarah Palin, um, the Pix means Russell Wilson. Asked this off season what was going through his mind as he walked off the field after throwing the worst interception in the history of the NFL, Wilson replied that God spoke to him, saying, "I HAVE BIGGER PLANS FOR YOU". Let that one sink in for a moment............................................................................................................................................
Ok, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!!???!?!? Let's forget for a moment that one assumes a devout individual such as RW would invoke some humility, as presumably his boy JC would. And let's forget he's on camera asking Pete Carroll on the sideline "what happened" (not mentioning his conversation with the almighty). Let's just...well....let's see if we can incorporate Russell's strategy in a way that may benefit us!
Pulled over for speeding? "God has bigger plans for my car, officer"
Caught with Ashley Madison acct? "Honey, you may not understand, but God has bigger plans for our relationship".
Sink the Titanic? "God has bigger plans for trans Atlantic oceanic travel".
You get the point.......but that's not even the looniest thing our boy said this offseason. While addressing a congregation of his peeps, RW explained that yes, he is dating Ciara, but they are NOT having the sex.
THAT's Ciara, btw. Yup, definitley don't hit that Russell. Tell you what...if God spoke to the Pix, and the Pix was dating Ciara, something about being fruitful and multiplying may come to mind. That, a blindfold, trapeeze, a "safe" word, and, well.....you get the picture.
Arizona -2 at Chicago
NO -10 over TB
Cinci -3 over SD
Rams -3 over Washington
ATL + 3 over NY
Ravens -6 over Oak
Philly -5 over Dallas
Jets +7 over Indy
Pop Quiz....
Is the above picture:
A. Boko Haram hostages after 6 months without food and water.
B. Yeezy unveling his fashion line in NYC (the Pix was not invited)
C. The Indianapolis Colts offfensive and defensive lines.
Finally..........Buffalo +2 over Patriots.
Long time Pix reader Susannah hates it when the Pix goes against the Pats, but this is just business. And 9/10 the Guru and Brady make the Pix look like Mr. Magoo (I know you're reading).
But the Pix is genuinely petrified of the Bills this season. Their defense is beastly, the offense has playmakers everywhere, and Rex finds ways to bother Brady like no other coach. Throw in the fact that Buffalo has a home field vibe and some karma going for it that looks to be undeniable this season. So face it NE, the Bills are back and they are going to be trouble.
So sayeth the Pix. Enjoy your weekends everyone.
3 comments:
Now that Marshawn's mama is coaching, Russell and God can have a Sunday off. Thanks for our mention in the pixs, we'll put the recognition on the shelf next to Ciara (way hotter than Brady's wife). She isn't happy about his DeflateGate.
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