Shortly after Admiral Yamamoto learned that the Imperial Japanese fleet
had launched their aircraft prior to an official declaration of war
against the US, he was famously quoted as saying that Japan had simply
"awakend a sleeping giant". On behalf of the Guru, the Pix would like
to thank Mangina, Roger Goodell, Whines Ward, Ladudian Tampon, Jack Del
Lameo and all the other screaming infants for doing what even the Guru
himself could not have done without their help.......turn the Pats into
an underdog. All the preseason faint praise for the Pats officially
goes out the window. It's now them against the world. Somewhere out in
the heartland of America Peyton Manning is tightening the vel-cro on his
Depends. He knows what happens when you dis the Pats. The Pix.....

Baltimore -10 over Jets. Let's just get the record straight. The Guru
hires ManJudas (credit to WEEI's whiner line) as an intern in Cleveland.
Feeds and bathes him. Teaches him everything he knows. 7 years later
the little dough boy is a head coach in the NFL. ManJudas returns the
favor by snitching on the Guru over a camera. Let's just say the
intergalactical B-slap that is on the way here will be something to
behold. The universe does not look kindly on that kind of betrayal.
Mangini will be out of a job in less than 3 years and it says here that
the coaching fraternity will not be looking to hire someone with all the
loyalty of Fredo.

Carolina-6.5 over Houston. Haven't heard any Panther quotes yet about
losing the SB to the Pats. Maybe that's because the entire offensive
line and the punter were busted for steroids a week after the game.

Bears -12 over KC. I know, laying 12 with Rex at the helm is shaky, but
when they win at home they tend to win big. And Herm Edwards is the new
Art Shell. Side note...with all this technology being discussed on the
sidelines, it's worth mentioning that Art was using just a clipboard
last year.

Cincy -6.5 at Cleveland. Marvin Lewis quoted in yesterday's SI column
about his headset going out in Foxboro. Marvin, your team scored 31
points in that game. What, exactly, were they stealing? You were
brought in to shore up the defense and bring integrity to the Bengals.
How's that working out for you?

Dallas -3.5 against Miami.

Denver -10 over Oakland.

Detroit -3 over Vikings.

Indy -7 at Tenn. The Colts begin their annual 6 game schedule against
the Washington Generals. I mean the Titans, Jags and Texans.

Atlanta +10.5 against Jax. Jack Del Rio moves up in the draft to take
Byron Leftwich as his franchise quarterback and cuts him a few years
later after allowing him to play with the 1st team offense all
preseason. His first year as coach he installed a tree stump and an axe
in the locker room to signify that the team should "keep chopping wood".
The punter then proceeds to almost cut his leg off. Then he accuses the
Guru of messing with the headphones in Foxboro. Um, Jack, the league
handles the gameday wireless communications. Not the home team. One
sideline goes out, the officials turn off the other sideline. And the
B-slap you took last year from the Pats........was in Jacksonville.
Custer had a better strategy at Little Big Horn than employ on most game
days. Next year when you are looking for work, guess who not to call?

Saints -3.5 over Bucs.

Packers even over Giants. Relax, Breet. Thanks to the the league
fisting the Guru you get off this week. Although your team did complain
last season about videogate, perhaps beginning the chain of events that
led to this. Incidentally, the league confiscated the tape last week at
the Meadowlands 8 minutes into the game. Why is nobody in the media
mentioning this? What did the Guru do over the next 52 minutes? Cast
at spell?

Buffalo +9.5 over Pitt. Whines Ward and the Short Bus think the Pats
cheated in their two AFC Championship games against them. Short Bus
actually has a GNC commercial where he talks about how he keeps in such
great shape. Jared from Subway looks better in his "before" picture
than you did in your last season. And, um, Whines, you are an
"offensive" player. You get your plays through a "wireless device" in
the Turd Burglars helmet. Did the Guru intercept these frequencies IN
YOUR STADIUM?

Seattle -3 over Arizona. Maybe the league should fine the Pats for
making it rain in Seattle and for the design of the Seahawks ridiculous
uniforms. They look like the insides of my non stick cookware. It's
Calphalon if you must know.

49ers +3 over Rams.

Wash +7 over Philly. Secret Pats video tapes not only show Donovan
Mcstoneless heaving in the huddle during their last Super Bowl drive and
conducting the slow down offense. Tape actually captures Andy Reid's
kids baking a batch of crystal meth on sidline and sending smoke signals
to Pats.

Pats -infinity over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better pack some extra
Midol for this Sunday night. The Pats coaching staff should come out
with a set of 2 cans and one string to represent the extent of the
electronic chicanery it will take to lay down copious amounts of
whoopass on the crying Bolts. The Sky box will be loaded and ready for
anyone man enough to step into it.

Couple of side notes....

Major Props need to be given to TC for having the Randy Moss to NE trade
roughly 3 days before the rest of the country. Too much fun watching
Berman et al fumble around the set while the EYC paddle crew had all the
411. Nicely done.

Big Al, other wise known as MR. Vegas, has this query, "If video gate is
such a big deal and gives the Pats such a game day advantage, why has
the line NOT MOVED ONE FREAKING POINT in the last weak? Don't the wise
guys know best? Well said Mr. Vegas. You are now the official gambling
correspondent to the Pix.

Lastly, a little departure from Videogate. Last week it was reported
that hundreds of thousands of condoms were being returned to several US
relief agencies who hand them out in underdevolped parts of the world
and in some impoverished parts of the US. Of note to the Pix was that
these condoms were made in China. Really, their condoms don't work?
Maybe that's why there are a billion people there. If I want some lead
in my kids toys or some poison in my food supply I'll ask the folks in
Bejing. Functional contracepives not so much. The Pix doesn't get
condoms from China, Lingerie and adult entertainment from Iran and
finally.........lessons in loyalty from Eric the Mangina Manjudas.
Enjoy your weekends..........