9/6/07

The 2007 season kicks off tonight and the Pix are back. Thanks to all
the usual suspects (Vick, Pac Man, Tank Johnson, Andy Reid's
kids).....there was no shortage of offseason shenanigans, tom foolery
and bally hoo. But since that fruit hangs lower than Larry Craig's left
hand under a bathroom stall divider in the Minny airport, we'll skip the
obvious jokes for now and get to some football. The Pix.....


Indy -6 over Saints. Forgive me if I skip the pregame slurpage over the
Colts' raising the banner in the RCA (still in business?) dome. Just
too painful to watch. Hard to hate Peyton, but what's with Tony Dungy?
He's on the opposite of HGH. Call it GHG. He used to play in the NFL
and now is skinnier than Nicole Ritchie after an 8 ball and a carton of
Newports lights.

Green Bay +3 over Philly. The countdown begins. It took George Blanda
340 games to throw 277 interceptions. Breet has thrown 273 in just 241
games (but he's having fun out there). In addition, While Breet has
been having all that fun and holding the organization hostage, the
Packers haven't beaten a playoff bound team since 2004. This offseason
The Pix sent Peter King and John Madden a set of kneepads for the coming
Breet gobblefest that will suround breaking Dan Marino's all time
passing TD record. Needless to say the Pix will be focused on the more
appropriate interception milestone.

Atlanta +3 over Minnesota. Just a feeling here that the Falcons will be
more than a little motivated to show that the absence of the Dog
Whisperer won't entirely drown (or hang or electrocute) their season.
The Vikings have a QB named Tavarius and a coach who looks like Beeker
from the Muppets. For good measure, it says here that Harrington
finishes the season with better passing stats than the DW ever had.

Buffalo +3 over Donkeys. New Donkey Travis Henry visits the home where
he has at least 2 of his kids that he fathered with 9 different women in
4 different cities. The Pix has written a cheer for our boy Trav.
2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate. On a more serious football note, the
Bills will be pretty good this year. Me thinks a playoff team.
Marshawn Lynch is legit.

Houston +3 over KC. Woof. This game has all the allure of a Slippery
Rock and Murray State affair. The Chiefs are in a worse rebuilding
season than Notre Dame.

Rams -1 over Panthers. Who Cares.

Washington -3 over Miami. The Dolphins hired Cam Cameron this
offseason. The Pix isn't sure, but I think Cam is short for Cameron.
So they hired Cameron Cameron. The good news? Jason Taylor has
apparently stopped cheating on Zach Thomas's sister. So they have that
going for them.

Pats -6.5 over the Jets. This year the Jets go from playing the easiest
schedule in the league to a fairly tough one. Pennington still can't
throw and the Mangina has a let down year. Meanwhile the Pats are more
stacked than ever. Dirty little secret about Seymour is that he was the
Pats' 4th best d lineman last year. They'll miss Rodney more. Another
dirty little secret that the Pix has to finally break down for the
public.......Giselle Bunchden is overrated. Really, she's just Steffi
Graf with a smaller beak. Brady needs to punt the chain smoking super
skank and get back with his baby momma.

Pittsburgh -4 over UPS. Until the Browns start Brady Quinn there is no
reason to waste our time on them. It's been too many months since I
have written the words Turd Burglar, so there it is. If he can keep his
grape off the pavement he shoud have an ok year.

Jax -7 over Ten. We said it last year and we'll say it again. Vince
Young throws like a girl. He now replaces the DW as the leagues best
running back being used as a QB. Meanwhile, if you haven't seen Pac
Man's interview on HBO with Bryant Gumblel last month than Pix can't
help you. Some of the best TV ever. One thing I'll say for Pac Man
though, at least he's not a phony. He keeps it real. Unlike the DW who
turns informant and then says how he's never pointed the finger at
anyone. Um, DW, it's kind of your job now. Call it a kooky government
thing. And as far as finding Jesus is concerned, I wasn't aware he was
hiding.

Chargers -6 over Chicago. Let's not forget all the whining Ladudian
Tampon and the rest of the Bolts did after they coughed up a playoff
loss to the Pats last year. The only thing lamer was the DW's comments
that his actions over the last 6 years were "immature". DW, farting at
the dinner table and blaming your brother is immature. Drowning and
electrocuting animals who were just trying to please you by doing what
you bred them to do...is......well immature doesn't very well describe
it. Oh, and Rex Grossman stinks.

Seattle -7 over TB. Has Gruden signed Byron Leftwich yet?

Giants +6 over Cowboys. For the record, the Pix has called every Giants
game dating back to 1991 incorrectly. Having said that, I think all the
Tiki (from now on known as Me Me) talk will fire them up. That and Rip
Van Wade has been asleep since he used to coach the Bills.

Ravens +2.5 over Cinmates. Maybe in a parralell universe Cinci doesn't
finish 8-8 every year. Unfortunately for the Cinmates, in this one they
do.

Detroit +2 over Raiders. Are they kidding? The Pix has the Lions
sneaking into the playoffs this year.

Arizona +3 over San Francisco. Once again the GURU fleeces a team in
the draft for their first rounder. All Pats fans should be rooting
against 49ers this year. Fortunately, we won't have to root that hard.
They're more overrated than butter face Giselle.

The carpet cleaners had to be called to 4 Savoy last week when the Pix
spit out half a glass of club soda and cranberry over the latest Viagra
commercial. If you haven't seen it yet, a bunch of guys are out in a
cabin "jamming" to the song they presumably wrote about the little blue
pill set to the music of Elvis' tome "Viva Las Vegas". The Pix would
like to know, if these guys are so fired up to use their favorite
pharmaceutical, why are they sitting around in a cabin singing with
their buddies? And was that Larry Craig on drums?