Sartorial Splendor

First of all, let's address the elephant in the room. Or the Stain on the earth. We all saw Breet last Monday night. The Duke of Douchiness, the The Prime Minister of Putrescence, the Viscount of Vaginosis.......Breet. As a lover of the history channel, it occurs to the Pix that the the three worst people of the last century were in ascending order:

1.Hitler....not much need for explanation here.
2.Pol Pot....leader of Khmer Rouge responsible for the killing of 21% the population of his own nation of Cambodia. (Not to be confused with Pot Paul, a suburban tennis playing puffer).
3.Breet. A proven kitten drowner and child molester. Rumors that he provided Roman Polanski with the Champagne and Quaaludes used n sodomizing a 13 year old girl have been confirmed by the Pix. As have rumors regarding the fact that Breet enjoys pickles with his cheeseburgers, bestiality and long walks on the beach. Ok, I made the last one up, but long walks on the beach are overrated.

The one thing the Pix will admit is that Breet looked good in purple. Why? Because the Vikings were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Pix has mentioned this before, but virtually every throwback uniform looks better than the current duds. Pun intended. Part of enjoying a football game in high definition is the aesthetics. And not to completely get my gay back, but the Pix has some thoughts on today's NFL uniforms. The Pix:

Viqueens -9 at Rams: The Vikings need to punt the swirly Nike designs they adopted a few years ago and to back to the unis they wore Monday night. The horned helmet design is a classic, but spike the purple pants on away games. They're gay. The Rams succumbed to the classic marketing strategy of the past decade by changing from yellow to gold after they won a Superbowl. Look at what has happened since. If it was good enough for Lawrence McCutchen, it should be good enough for you, Lambs.

Bengals +9 at Ravens: The first year the Bengals went to the striped helmet they went to the Superbowl. What seemed a little aggressive at the time are now pretty classic uniforms. Well played, Cinci. The Ravens? A forced look for a non descript team with no history playing in a city that becomes more and more minor league every year. Purple and black is not a color scheme. It's an accident between a pacer and a gremlin.

Redskins +4 at Panthers: The only thing left for the once proud Washington franchise is their great uniforms. Maybe the best helmet in the NFL. Personally, the Pix prefers the old Billy Kilmer uniforms from the 1972 Superbowl team over the Joe Theisman era two strip symmetrical sartor, but that's picking nits. However, if the Supreme Court makes them change their names and logos to something gay like the Lorax or Sneetches, the Pix reserves the right to revoke their high grade. The Panthers are boring and barely belong in the NFL. Every (almost) week the Pix wastes valuable second of his life writing useless words about the Panthers. Let's pretend they don't exist.

Steelers -11 over Lions. Two of the sweetest unis in the league. Although the Lions added that worthless black stripe to the proceedings a few years back in an effort to climb from 32 to 31 in merchandise sales. Memo to Lions: shitcan the black stripe. Steelers unis? Delicious!(was that too gay?)

*******Special Pix Public Service Announcement*******

People, people, people......the word "hysterical" doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean hilarious, not hysterical. Hysterical refers (according to Webster's) to a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability, or behavior exhibiting overwhelming fear. The Greeks thought the condition was particular to women and originated in the Uterus (Breet gets hysterical from time to time). It doesn't mean funny. Repeat, it doesn't mean funny. Thank you, please drive through.

Cowboys -8 over Chiefs: Nothing to see here. Just two solid traditional NFL uniforms that should never be tampered with. Maybe the Supreme Court will make the Chiefs remove the arrowhead shape from their helmets and replace it with a stalk of wheat or a hexagon. Has the Pix mentioned that the Supreme Court is gay?

Giants minus infinity against the Raiders: Kudos to the Giants for switching back to their uniforms from the 50's a few years back. Huge improvement over their 1980's quasi streamlined blocky cocaine laced uniforms. And where would the Raiders be without their classic silver and black with the coolest helmet logo in the NFL. What's that? They'd still be 1-3 with a real shot at 1-15? True that. Moving on....

Bucs +15 at Eagles: The Bucs' uniforms are a good example of no good intentions going unpunished. These unis suck. They remind me of a pancake house menu. The orange and white beauties from 1976 should never have been changed. The Pix has spoken, end of story. The Eagles efforts are solid, but the wing looks a little weird on the helmet. Best Eagle unis? Think Randall Cunningham, Keith Jackson and Reggie White's team under Buddy Ryan. The 2009 version makes me think Donovan Mcboring. Which makes me yawn. The Pix is getting sleepy.

Bills -6 over Browns: A few years back the Pix wrote about the conversation that somehow must have taken place decades ago in Cleveland........"Hey fellas, we need a color to go with Brown for our new football team named after me, the Browns?"...."How about Orange?"....And , well, the rest is history. As far as the Bills are concerned? (And no lie, this team is named after their first owner as well, Bill someone. As the Pix has said before, it's a good thing his first name wasn't Richard) Only a franchise as lame as the Bills could go with a uniform that screams fashion disaster over their classic throw backs. Incredible. And the red helmets? An abortion. Here's a list of people who should wear red helmets: Firemen. That's it, that's the list.

Niners -2 over Falcons: Let' just say the Falcon's color scheme matches their city and leave it at that, shall we? The 49'ers uniforms are, in the opinion of the Pix, the best in the NFL right now. But here's the thing.....Mike Singeltary wears a GIANT wooden cross (the cross of St. Andrew) around his neck on the outside of his clothes. The Pix is all for freedom of religion, but what if, for example, Marv Levy had worn a hubcap sized star of David around his neck? Think anyone would notice? What if Kareem Abdul Jabaar strolled the sidelines in a Niqab (He was a chick)? It's just a little out there is all the Pix is saying. We get it, Mike. You are a Christian. Congrats.

Colts -3 at Titans. Colts good unis. Titans lame and pathetic. Moving on.

Jets -2 at Dolphins: Jets were wise to go back to the Namath unis and shit can those Kermit outfits that stalwarts like Richard Todd Joe Klecko wore. Those things were as boring as Penn St.'s. The 1972 Dolphin unis were the best in the history of the league. Ever since they added a weird navy blue accent they have lost their identity. Half the time when I turn on a Dolphins game it take me a second to make sure it's not the Jaguars. That didn't used to be the case. Most know that the Pix was a huge Dolphin fan growing up. It took Don Shula losing his 187,408th lead using the prevent defense to finally turn the Pix into a Pats fan. What's that? You don't care? Alrighty then....

Pats -infinity at Donkeys. Two of the worst uniform violations committed in the history of the NFL. First, the Donkeys. Orange was their signature color! You always knew the Donkeys from 1. the hideous orange jerseys, 2. the hideous light/royal/weird shade of blue helmets with a logo too big for it's size and 3. from 1959 through 1999 they didn't play away games. And Donkey Elway's teeth. Holy gums, batman. Hey John. Mr. Ed called and said he wants his mandible and maxilla back. Now their uniforms make me think of Donkey Shannon Sharpe, speaking of huge pie holes. The Pix misses Shannon. Shannon is the only person alive that speaks worse than mumbles Menino. Those two should star on a game show called "what the **&^*%^ did he just say?" And the Patriots? C'mon. Admit it, the Flying Elvis is gay. Fortunately for the Kraft family, the Pix is here to help. Bring back Pat the Patriot logo, keep silver and blue as the color scheme with red piping and bring back the old style of straight lined uni with shoulder stripes. There, it's done.

Unfortunately for the teams with bye weeks this week, they won't have their uniforms broken down by the Pix, a tragedy for them to be sure. As a consolation prize, the Pix will rate the top uniforms of the other major sports....

Best Hockey uniforms:
1. Blackhawks
2. Red Wings
3. Maple Leafs
4. Canadiens
5. Bruins

Hoops:

1. Celtics
2. Bulls
3. Rockets
4. That's it, the rest are horrible

Baseball:

1. Cardinals
2. Red Sox
3. Dodgers
4. Cubs
5. Phillies

College football:

1. Notre Dame
2. Ohio St.
3. UCLA
4. Texas
5. Nebraska

College Hoops:

1. North Carolina
2. Davidson
3. Maryland
4. Louisville
5. UCLA

Please don't overwhelm the comments section as much as you have in weeks past. The Pix can't digest more than 1 reader comment per week. Last Pix public service announcement....if you haven't discovered comcast channel 287 yet, go there Sunday. yes, readers of the Pix, there is a Santa Claus.

Pix out......