General Nonsense

The internets have been busy this week. It appears that the former head of the Culinary Institute of America had gay sex with Elmo, Rapelisburger almost died due to a sore shoulder, Yobama wants to give ice cream to lots of Mexicans, and Phil Jackson wants to be made emperor of Los Angeles......or else. Lots to break down......let's get to it. The Pix:

Dallas -7 over Cleveland. CNN reported yesterday that people are suing the makers of 5 HOUR ENERGY. Apparently, drinking shit tons of caffeine can have adverse side effects. In other breaking news, drinking water may hydrate you and 3 glasses of chardonnay may make your bird somewhat more affectionate (Happy Birthday to the official wife). Seriously, to imply that there is causality between drinking 5 hour energy and 13 people dying in the past 4 years is a little bit of a stretch, no? Don't lots of people die?Like all the time? CEO Manoj Bhargava thinks so.....then again, if you are paying 5 bucks for a tablespoon of caffeine at 7-11 made by Manoj Bhargava because you are drowsy......you just might be a reTARD. In other news, the Pix would like America to just settle down. Too many people running around and needing more energy. Allow the Pix to present a new product to the marketplace. 5 HOUR LETHARGY. Or as the good people of Colorado call it......weed.

Rams -3 over Jets. It is now coming out that several of Tim Jebow's team mates think he "stinks", or "can't play"...and "is terrible". Well, then. Somehow it's just not that much fun hazing the Jets when they are making fun of themselves. How about the Jets players stick to sucking and leave the jokes to the Pix? Mkay? Great, thanks, good talk.

Slaguars +98 vs Texans. The Pix read this morning that Hostess is filing for chapter 11 and is laying off all its employees. Normally the Pix doesn't like to get involved in labor disputes, but the reason Hostess is closing their doors is due to a strike. This is just a hunch, but perhaps the good employees of the Hostess Company have miscalculated the global demand for Wonder Bread? Just sayin'.

Cardinals +10 vs Falcons. So US soccer goalie Hope Solo married rapist booze bag woman batterer Jerramy Stevens yesterday. One day after Jerramy was arrested for assaulting her. As most readers know, the Pix is reluctant to give marital advice.....but here's a little for the future ex Mrs. Stevens......Get. The HELL. OUT. Aside from being unable to spell Jeremy, Jerramy Stevens has a rap sheet that makes the Turd Burglar look like Mitt Romney. Seriously, look this guy up on the Google. Biggest douche bag ever. The Pix has always thought Hope Solo is a pretentious stain, but marrying JERRAMY is just beyond unfortunate. Hope Solo? Hopeless Duo.

Ravens -4 over Steelers. Speaking of 2 time rapists, the Turd Burglar is at it again. The Pix has been watching Rapelisburger fake and exaggerate injuries for too many years to take this pu**y seriously any more. Last week against the Chiefs, Big Turd got some sand in his vagina and he now says he could have died. Apparently he had a rib poke his ovaries and he has a bruised wing too. Whatever. The Steeler slurpers at gay-spn will talk about what a tough guy he is when he comes back next week. Then again, the Pix doesn't expect much from an network that devotes 50% of their coverage to a back up quarterback who plays on the punt team.

Skins -3 over Eagles. So General Betray-us had a bit of a problem keeping his tent pole in his trousers. Yawn. A quick perusal of the google images reveals all we need to know about this sordid (predictable) affair. Holly Petraeus isn't exactly "Miss Kandahar" and the bird who spent 2 years worshipping the General and writing his biography was available. That is it and that is all. Really, Generals are vain and susceptible to flattery? NO!!! The Pix' favorite part of this developing story is this Jill Kelly bird. Love her. Every picture of her on the internets has her posing with her head thrown diagonally into the neck of whatever dude she is trying to shag. Charo was more subtle, and her catch phrase was "cuchi cuchi".

Colts +10 over Pats. If you listened to the Pix last week, and I know you did, you were told to take Buffalo and the points. Other than adding Uliq M'diq to the roster, not much else has changed. The guru seems intent on letting opposing quarterbacks sit in the pocket for an oil change while the secondary defends like a loose stool. Did that make sense? No? Um.....what the Pix is trying to say is that if I have to watch another 4th quarter come back at Foxboro led by the likes of Bobby Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick and/or Marc Wilson the Pix is going to take multiple hostages.....and lock them in a room with the dude who plays Elmo, General Cheatraeus, Jerramy, and the Turd. That is all.

Lastly, again, happy birthday to the insanely wonderful official wife. The Pix is reminded of a quote from Jerry Maguire, "You don't know what is like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up at dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?"

The Pix knows it takes (now from "American President") an advanced degree in relationships to live with el Pixie. Up at dawn siege? Yes, yes it is. So here's a shout out to the Dayesy. The official wife. The most tolerant person on earth. The best mother and wife ever. I love you.

Pix Out
(or is he in?)