Turkey and Humble Pie

So let's not waste any time this week and just get right to the business of breaking down the planet Pix style. Assad shut down the Syrian internets yesterday, our Congress seems unable or unwilling to begin progress addressing the fiscal cliff, and Lindsay Lohan was arrested again Wednesday night for punching another bird in the beak. In less surprising news, the Pix failed to win 575 million dollars at power ball. Unfortunate. Although, given that the Mayans have foretold the end of mankind on December 21, even if the Pix hired Lenny Dykstra and Curt Shilling to manage the money while partying with Mike Tyson and Antoine Walker in Vegas, it would be difficult to blow that kind of glue in just four weeks. The Pix feels sorry that the Power-ball winners will have such little time to enjoy their cash.

All of those stories fail to move the needle, however, compared to running gong show in Jersey. The Pix refers, of course, to the 2012 New York Jets. The good people who make Cialis might warn of 4 hour erections (and the potential adverse effects of said condition), but there is no way to prepare for the 5 day missile the Pix sported in his nether region after the beat down that the Patriots put on the Jets last Thursday. For the sake of Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, Jesus, Lombardi and Brad Lord, the Jets should really just do the right thing and resign from the league. Honestly, like just quit. Save face. We even forced that Jersey retard fossil "fireman Ed" into retirement. Granted, his 15 minutes were up a decade ago, but after reaching the AFC championship game 2 years in a row, you had to figure (if you were a Jets fan) that at the very least you could look forward to a modest yet semi-respectable Bengal type existence. At least for a COUPLE of years. Instead, the Guru reloads and puts a .38 caliber slug right in your temple. DAYUM....
That..
Just.....
Happened.....

If Hurricane Sandy was the fist for the New York/Jersey region, the Jets are the decided and prolonged lack of lube.

The Pix:

Bears -4 over Seattle. The Pix has been in the woods for the past week and has had very little time to read the news, but why were the Seahawks db's not suspended? Moving on....

Houston -6 at Titans. The Pix doesn't know much about computers, but the iPad mini just doesn't seem like it makes sense at all. If anything, the Pix would prefer a larger tablet. Call it the iPad Maxi. Or Maxi pad. Wait, scratch that.

Bills -6 over Slaguars. So, it's been a big week for drugs in sports. Brandon Marshall says players are taking viagra, several players suspended for Adderall, and the Honey Badger signed up for the NFL draft. Honey Badger won the award for best defensive player in college football last year and then proceeded to puff himself out of the game by burning more tree than Bob Marley. The Pix' question is, so what? Obviously, weed is not a performance enhancer....unless you think snacking on Oreos and playing X box makes you run faster. And given that 98% of the NBA is ripping bingos as the Pix types these words, one could reasonably expect that other sports could adopt a saner approach to glaucoma cures. Pix would love to see the Honey Badger don the flying Elvis in 2013.

Arizona +5 over Jets. Just wondering.....out of the 60,000 fans at the Meadowlands, can anyone else fill in for "Fireman Ed"? Here is the one requirement: You must be able to spell J-E-T-S. Let's hope they can find someone before Sunday.

SF -7 at Rams. The Pix is very conflicted about Jim Harbaugh. When he was the QB for the Bears and Colts, he was a scrappy underdog. When he took the Stanford job, he was the the likable kid trying to compete with big brothers USC and Oregon. Then he took over a moribund 49er franchise that had been churning through coaches faster than Rex Ryan goes through his wife's sock drawer. What confuses the Pix is that the moment he started to have any success in the NFL he instantly morphed into a completely insufferable PUTZ. The Pix doesn't have a joke here....just an observation.

Bengals -1 at Chargers. The Pix finally had a lingering and bothersome question answered this week....what is the name of the fat kid on that tv show I never watch that I want to punch in the face so badly? Introducing Angus T. Jones...perhaps the least self aware human in the world. Huge surprise to the Pix that religion was behind Angus' retarded rant. Shocker. Evidently, the minister who inspired Angus is a gay bashing conspiracy theorist who thinks cannibals are on the verge of taking over New York City. Although, technically, if Rex chews his bird's foot off, he may have a point. What baffles the Pix more than anything is that Two and a half Men has been on television for 10 years. There's something very wrong with the universe if Hogan's Heroes only makes it 6 seasons, The Rockford Files 5, and Joanie Loves Chachi only 2. Doesn't. Make. Sense. Not to mention that Erin Moran is now a homeless crack ho and Angus T. pulls in 330 large per episode. Oh, the Humanity.

Dolphins +9 over Patriots. Please, don't think it has gone unnoticed that the winning formula of the Pix betting against the Pats has resulted in their 5 game winning streak. As usual, the men of Belichick are peaking as the second half of the season progresses. Predictably, Uwana M'diq has tightened up the secondary and the Patriot's defense is turning the ball over in a consistently pleasing fashion. It says here the Taliban has a pick 6 this week. And good friend Mador will be our embedded reporter in Miami on Sunday representing the 781.

That is it and that is all for the Pix this week. A little longer than usual to make up for last week's bagel. Enjoy the weekend everyone.

Pix out