Playoff Pixapalooza

So 2013 has begun and there are obviously many interesting stories to blog about. Liestrong's two decade fraud, Manti Gay'O and his fake girlfriend, Rex Ryan's bizarre tattoo, Gerard Depardieu's citizenship issues.....many options. But the Pix doesn't want to pick the low hanging fruit. No sophomoric jokes and childish word play. For once the Pix wants to tackle the serious news. The story too grizzly for the main stream media. So lock your doors and windows, hide the kids and crate the pets......it's about to get real in the Pix hizzouse. The Pix refers, of course, to today's rumor that Tiger and Elin are considering getting remarried.

According to the Daily Mail of London, Tiger has proposed to the husband beater and even has offered a 200 million dollar prenuptial cheating clause. This, of course, is a travesty. Like most victims of domestic violence, Tiger doesn't seem able to cut the cord with his attacker. Stockholm syndrome? Perhaps.....but the Pix think Tiger's self esteem issues go deeper and could be the result of years of verbal (have you ever heard someone speak Swedish? Painful, it's worse than listening to Mike Tyson sing) as well as physical abuse.

The Pix, of course, does not condone Tiger's wanderings. To be sure, he was quite mischievous and his moral compass lacked a little mercury. But as the official mother taught the Pix, violence is never the answer. And two wrongs don't make a right. The fact that Tiger refused to prosecute after the night of his "accident" is suspicious, and it is obvious that Elin is intimidating Tiger back into her pale skinny arms. The Pix doesn't know what nefarious game Elin is playing here, but the Pix will be watching her......And her flaxen hair and giant cans.

Speaking of harmonious marital relations, the Pix was amused this past weekend when he overheard the official wife make her bread choice in the sandwich line for lunch. After the Pix ordered the turkey and swiss wrap, the OW chimed in that she would also like turkey and swiss......on a baguette. Cringe, eye roll, sigh. People, there is a time and a place for a baguette....never and France. Baguette's are, on average, four inches tall. To add insult to injury, the poor delusional OW ordered lettuce and tomato....making the sandwich roughly as tall as a four month old Leonberger. (BTW, shouldn't Leonbergers be black? Sorry, that was raycess).

Here's the list of people who can eat an 8" high sandwich:
1. Mick Jagger
2. Tina Turner
3. Bigfoot

That's it, that's the list. So the official wife wrestles sandwichzilla for a few minutes before giving up and throwing out the baguette and asking for a wrap for her to attempt to surgically repair this disaster. The result was something that resembled Jackson Pollack's toilet paper. Poor thing....she did look hot in her new ski outfit though.

Quick Pix....or as Dan Shaughnessy would say, "picked up pieces while wondering if Mayor Menino has an IQ above 55?" (Answer, NO)

The Lance thing......the Pix doesn't give a flying bat sack about EPO, transfusions, etc. They were all cheating. But there should be a special place in hell for people who sue without merit and use their power to beat down folks who can't afford a legal battle. Despicable. Lance Ass-strong ruined people's lives and did so with malice of forethought. He should spend the rest of his life penniless and shamed beyond the ability to function. At the same time, give him back the 7 yellow jerseys. Those he did earn. Plus, the French are gay. And he essentially exchanged fame for going down in history as perhaps the worst human ever. That's the deal he made. Enjoy, Lance.

Ok.....Manti Gay'o and the techincolor dream girlfriend/beard. Sigh. The only thing the Pix knows about Catfish is that it should be lightly dredged in seasoned flour and fried in scent free oil. Like canola or grapeseed. Maybe serve with a lemon garlic aoli? Hmmm, yes, pleasing. Oh, and the Guru perpetrated this hoax all along so MAN loving 'TI slips in the draft and the Patriots have Stinkovich's replacement for the next decade.

Is it just the Pix, or are standard size Kleenex just a little thin and small for cold season? For starters, the Pix has an plus size beak, and depending on nostril hair maintenance, snot volume may or may not be contained by garden variety kleenex. Maybe Kleenex should follow Trojan's lead and come out with Kleenex Magnums? Lately, the Pix has been going the paper towel route, but unless the OW buys the pre-cut half size paper towels, Pixie tries to tear a towel in half and it ends up in the shape of Idaho. So you then wrap the skinny end above the beak and use the fat end for booger capture. Sub optimal.

Oh, um, 49ers 38, Dirty Birdz 24.

So Dunkin Donuts has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich featuring turkey sausage and egg whites. Idiots. There is only one authority on breakfast sandwiches and it is the Pix. There are only two Pix approved creations: the McDonalds sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit, and the sausage egg and cheese on croissant from DD (sesame bagel in an emergency or like if you are an astronaut in space and that's all NASA gave you). DD is touting their new breakfast turd claiming it has 400 calories. Memo to the marketing drones at DD, have you seen the fatties that eat fast food breakfast sandwiches? Do they look like calorie counters to you? Jillian Michaels isn't at the drive through crushing turkey sausage sandwiches. It is I, the Pix, who is hungover and in desperate need of my 710 calorie 51 grams of fat deliciousness bomb. The Pix has spoken.

Lastly, a little game the Pix likes to call the AFC championship game. While RAYSPN slurps the retiring double murder accomplice (allegedly), the Guru and Brady silently prepare their ambush. There's one thing that worries the Pix a little, though. God. Evidently he likes the Ravens. As Ray Lewis told Sal Palontonio after vanquishing perrenial playoff puking pussy Peyton, "No man can change what God has blessed". Yeesh, the Pix wishes I knew that before I wasted 4 hours watching one of best football games EVER. The outcome was pre-ordained by a higher power? Pix could have used that knowledge. Well, here's a little information for the dancing felon, Terrell Thuggs, Unibrow Flaccid and the rest of the Baltimore poseurs.....higher powers will, indeed be at work Sunday. They are called Brady, Welker, Solder, Hernandez, Wilfork, Mayo, Ninkovitch (ok, I admit it) and the GURU. Because Fraud week is over, people. Pats 31, Gayvens 24.

See you all Super Bowl week.

Pix out